Why I Am Most Certainly NOT an Asshole
[A guest post by Dr. A. James Frisbee, Distinguished Scholar at the Center for Advanced Studies, California, U.S.A.]
It has been said, more times than decency would allow, that I am an asshole.
Today I refute this thesis, as unsound and untrue. I refute it so soundly that only the weakest of irrational minds could indulge a moment’s temptation to find it other than plainly, manifestly, incontrovertably, incontestably, and demonstrably false–or, in other words, as other than clearly ridiculous.
My main argument has two premises:
First, if I were an asshole, I would find the thought of my being an asshole shameful.
Second, I do not find the thought of my being an asshole shameful.
Hence, I am not an asshole. Q. E. D.
The forgoing argument is plainly logically valid, an instance of modus tollens. If the premises are each true, then the conclusion must also be true, by virtue of logical necessity. Accordingly, those who believe I am an asshole must be in grave error, as a matter of logical necessity, provided only the truth of the two premises. I now demonstrate the truth of each premise in turn.
I begin with premise two. My argument for premise two proceeds by testimonial demonstration. I will presently consider the thought that I am an asshole. I then report, in a moment of introspection, whether or not I find this shameful. You will have conclusive reason to believe my report, whatever it may be, because you are in no position to question the authority I enjoy over my own mind. I, after all, am the very subject of it, whereas you are at best the subject of some other, completely different, numerically distinct locus of conscious awareness. So you must take me at my word.
For the sake of reductio ad absurdum, then, suppose that I am an asshole. Suppose I answer questions in a pompous way, on account of my manifest intellectual greatness. Suppose I get very angry when the nuances of my work are not properly discussed, at length, with loud mention of their manifest importance. As I now entertain this thought, so it appears to me, in this moment, I feel no shame. Rather, I find this moment quite pleasant, even comfortable. Hence I do not find the thought of being an asshole shameful. Hence premise two is true.
Turn, then, to premise one. According to premise one, if I were an asshole, I would find the thought of my being an asshole shameful. In reply, I resolutely reject this definition of the asshole’s nature. As I define the term “asshole,” an asshole would NOT, in general, find the thought of being an asshole shameful. If I were an asshole, I would, by definition, be such a general asshole, and so would not feel ashamed of being such. Hence premise one is false as well.
Hence both premise one and premise two are false, and the argument that I am an asshole fails. Hence I am not an asshole. Q. E. D.
–A. J. F., Dr. of Philosophy
